I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
