If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
