I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I supernannyed him into submission
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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