also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
