We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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