Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
only if we run a train.
done.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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