Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
