I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
