She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
