Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
