Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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