Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
My vagina just recognized that song.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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