You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
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He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
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I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
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