I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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