my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
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