I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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