thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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