Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
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If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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