So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
