it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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