I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
