I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
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I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
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Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"