If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
