he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
