that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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