and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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