I wanna bring you to show and tell
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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