Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
