Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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