My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
