and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I wear drunk well.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize