If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
