Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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