Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I love you. Go after that dick
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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