I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
