Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
