youre lurking in front of me
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
