I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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