Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
