Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
