Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Let's paint friendship bongs
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
