We're like a lot better than the average bears
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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