Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
