I need help removing her.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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