def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
