i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
