Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
