I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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