There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
So squirting runs in the family.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
