I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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