So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
