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I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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