It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
