My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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