Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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